Everything I Need to Know, I learned from Saved By the Bell

I'm one of those people that is always making-up/resolving situations in my head. They are generally ridiculous things that will really never happen (ie: what questions I can answer on a game show, what to do if the police show up at my door while I'm in the shower, what to say to the person who stole my car) you get the picture. So it was no surprise when I found myself wondering what I would do if my neighbor's bird died while we were in charge of feeding it. That's when I realized this: I've already seen this happen, so I'm totally prepared.

In one of the early seasons of Saved by the Bell, Zack is in charge of watching Slater's chameleon, Artie, while Slater is out of town. While he's away, Artie dies, and Zack tries to replace him with another chameleon. Slater realizes the switch, and is hurt that his friends tried to be dishonest. THANK GOODNESS FOR THIS EPISODE. Now I know that if Karen's bird dies while in my care - I'll just have to tell her the truth, and maybe offer to have said bird stuffed and mounted.

Here are some other important lessons I learned from Zack, Kelly and the rest of the gang:

If your friend's college of choice isn't interested in her, all you need to do is put on a mustache, make a sign that says, "HARVARD," and show interest in her. The other college reps will be impressed that harvard likes your friend, and will want her in their college.

Don't accuse a homeless man of stealing a sport coat from the department store. Your friend probably has it on hold as a gift for the homeless man.

Don't trust your principal's younger, cooler, Michael-Bolton-look-alike, brother when he offers to take your class on a rafting trip. He's not going to show up.

Having a life sized cutout of your girlfriend, in her volleyball uniform, in your bedroom is NOT creepy.

The only thing that sets the "nerds" apart from the "cool kids" are pocket protectors and black curly hair.

Casey Kasem WILL come to your school, if you just ask.

Kids in California actually have six years of high school, and five proms.

Never dump your All-American boyfriend for a college guy named Jeff, who still works at the high-school hotspot. He's just out to break your heart.

Geometry-stressed-caffeine-pill-addicts don't get to sing for the talent scout.

When in doubt, where a turtleneck. It's always a good statement.

I look at all of the times I was faced with these serious dilemmas in my life, and am so glad that I had such good, older friends to set these examples for me. With Bayside's Best showing me the way, I feel like I'll always be prepared. I'll be sure to order this series for my kids in a few years.

Maddie came home from preschool the other day with lots of fun facts about George Washington. She said he was nice to people, and that he was the first President of the United States. He was so honest that he even told his dad the truth when he cut down a cherry tree. Then she handed me this:

All I'm sayin' is that if this is what Georgie was wearing the day of the cherry tree incident, he had a lot more to confess to his dad.

Forgotten

Dear Mac,

I love everything about you. I love your huge screen, your dainty keyboard, and your sleek and classy style. I love that when I walk into your original home, I will always be greeted by sales-people wearing thick-rimmed glasses for cool reasons. I love your commercials and your abilities, but mostly I love your timing. Thank you for loving us enough to break down one month before our warranty expired. If three more weeks had passed before you let on that your hard drive was kaput, I would have been very, very mad at you. But, no, once again - you have proven yourself to this family. You even gave us sweet and thoughtful, "you may want to back up your files," gestures before sacrificing yourself. We welcome the new and improved you back into our home with open arms. Getting reacquainted with you has taken me back to a few favorite photos that never made the blog-cut. I promise I won't put off posting family photos any more. Thanks for helping me realize one of the greatest loves of my life.....the internet.

Much love and appreciation,
Mom

Shame

I have been a horrible, HORRIBLE Mexico blogger. I have promised so many people pictures, but the truth is...I can't beat my sister-in-law, Mandy on this one. She really has the best pictures, and has done a great job posting on our trip. Here are a few last pictures before I send you to the ultimate Mexico blog:

Click  HERE to see the rest of our trip.  Thanks, Mandy (or Greg?)  for all the pictures you took.  I am SO ready to go back.  I do have one more video, but my computer is freaking out.  I'll get to that one soon.  

P.S.  Coconut milk is GROSS.  Just gross.  Even if it does look cute with a straw coming out, believe me...not worth it!  

I feel like a workout failure. All this time I was just exercising my body, when I should have been exercising AND learning how to fend off predators in a foreign country.



Weird.

P.S. Is this considered a good workout in Japan?

There are few things I hate more than when a stranger rings my doorbell in the middle of the day. Mostly because I am always caught with a dirty house, and no makeup. And on this particular day I was caught with sick kids that were still in pajamas at 1:00. In these situations, I usually stare at whoever is standing outside my door through my peep-hole, and wait for said stranger (who ALWAYS has a clipboard) to leave my house. (It usually takes a few knocks and doorbell rings because he can hear my kids screaming, "MOM! ANSWER THE DOOR, WHO IS IT?") This man seemed too dressed up for security system sales, and he was older than the average Winder Dairy Salesman, so curiosity got the best of me, and I opened the door.

Here is the conversation that my brother and I had after this guy left (via instant message).

Me: Sorry (I was gone), funeral salesman at the door. Um, REALLY, door to door funeral sales?

Greg: REALLY??

Me: Yeah.

Greg: Does he know you have sick kids or something? "Hello, the word on the street is that you have sick kids. Today is your lucky day, we're having a half off sale!"

Me: Who SELLS funerals?

Greg: Um, death?

Me: Um, someone who is planning on killing you?

Me: "Hello, Ma'am. I'd like to talk to you about your impending death."

Greg: I would have been like, "You're older than I am. Have you planned yours?"

Me: Are death rates so slow that they need to sell the idea of dying? This IS a bad economy!

Greg: When Mandy and I got married the local funeral home sent us a brochure. Then a family tree book.

Me: Hopefully with a note that said, "Sorry we sent those in the wrong order!'

These little conversations get me through the day. Even if they are due to Funeral Salesmen.

Only in Dreams

Growing up, I was always that person who came to school to tell my friends, "I had the weirdest dream about you last night..." My dreams were always long, detailed, and usually very soap-opera-like.

Over the years, my sleeping habits have changed. I don't dream nearly as much as I used to since I usually spend several hours awake in the middle of the night. Last night I was up from 3-6. But from 6-7:30, I had one of my recurring dreams. I dreamt that I ran into an old friend from high school, and he was crying because he was working at a car wash to support the son that his girlfriend had kidnapped. (Yeah - NOT the recurring part, more the soap opera part). So then in mid conversation my teeth started falling out. I just kept apologizing to him for my gross behavior, and explaining that this wasn't usually what my teeth did. What the...?

There are two more dreams that I get all the time: the braces dream (see THIS post to understand) and the dream where I'm married to someone else. It's usually to people that I don't like much, and I keep thinking, "Man, HOW did I get into this?" Then I'll remember that I'm actually married to Rob, and that we have three kids together. I have to explain this to my new husband, and try to find out where I left my other family.

My dreams baffle me, but even MORE bizarre in my opinion, are my husband's dreams. I swear the guy doesn't dream about people at all. He dreams in giant lizards, dragons and dinosaurs. And he's ALL OVER THE PLACE. He kicks, he yells, he fights, and he casts spells in the middle of the night. I remember one night when we were first married he did that thing where you're just dozing off (and then in your dream you trip or fall or something) and jump. I asked, "Woah, what was that? " He said, "I was dodging a dragon." I think I made fun of that for the first four years of our marriage.

Thinking about all of this made me wonder what other people dream about. Anyone else's teeth falling out? Are you living in the Land of the Lost? Maybe it's just us. Maybe we are just that crazy.